Healing

I feel like I'm trying too hard
Like I'm getting a running start
But the path seems too far
To get to where You are
Trying to destroy the walls around me
Desperately running to every corner to get free
Cause' I can't breathe in here
I weep cause' I just wanna see a glimpse again
I'll stop pretending like my position
Doesn't effect the condition of my heart
I'll stop defending the parts I've swallowed hard
Hoping that the gold stars and my good deeds
Would push them so far deep
That they would sink and never retreat
The memories that creep like a bad dream
And defeat my sense of security
My cheeks wet with tears
From my head full of fears
Falling down my neck
From the pain that vexed my soul
Leaving holes unfixed
Afraid to pick the scabs of my past
Afraid to let the mass of pain
Invade my soul again
Cause' with this pain
I can't pretend
Blood is red
I can't stem the flow
Or blend it with the rest of me
It's revealed for all to see
Maybe that's how You designed it to be
Maybe You want me to be free
To bleed with my need for You
So these contusions would lose their sting
And bring about healing
Realizing
Pain is a familiar name to us all
Since the fall when You called out to Adam
He balled up and was adamant to Your ways
Nothing has changed
We all go astray
And leave You hanging
Your heart's familiar with breaking
And we're waking up from our sleep to see
We've been eating but it's not been feeding us
I dream of how Eden was
The flawless trees of lush
The innocence of a blush
The satisfaction of having enough
But we messed that up
Our souls camped up in a dry land
Making our beds in the sand
Holding hands with death
Breath tight and thin
Wondering when the affliction will end
Drinking but throat still dry
Eating but hunger never satisfied

And tonight...
Here am I.

I have nothing left to give You but my life
With crying breaths welling tears inside
My eyes mirror my weariness from the fight
Yet You reply...
"That's just right
A broken and contrite heart I desire
I never tire of starting again
I'm always tending
To you ever-mending heart
Never to leave a single marred part behind
All the pieces of your scarred life in My hands
With the grandness of My plan in mind
And when it's time to take you through the fire
Realize, child, that my ways are higher and wider
Than your mind can comprehend
I'm just trying to make you moldable
In my hands once again"

Maybe...
You want me to be free
To bleed with my need for You
So these contusions would lose their sting
And bring about healing.

You're curing my pain

My heart is burning
Flames churning high
From the fire You're stirring
You're curing my pain
From all these games I've played
New names; different faces
Same temptations; Same Satan
Weighing on my soul
I've been trying to take control
Trying to play Your roll
When I know I always steer towards the wrong road
This road...
Broad as the flow of the ocean
The surface looks perfectly harmless
Better grab a harness
Cause' the water's tide
Gonna take you as deep as it desires
Full of have truths and whole lies
No black and white lines
Just gray phrases that derange your mind
That's why
The disguise is far more deceiving than you realize
Like this road-with eyes looking fine
With a step takes your breath away
Like quicksand grabbing you like prey
Afraid to look down
As it spirals me around
I sink to the ground
This mountain of guilt
Mounds upon my wrists
From years of life's hits
A permanent prick at my soul
As my grip gives in...

You find me on the ground
Not making a sound
Down in the depths
I've wept too long
No longer strong enough to speak
Yet my silence sings a song to You
Who knew me and knows me now
As I'm on the ground
I'm found by You
Always proven to be true
It's You
I call out Your name
Cause' I know it can save me
One breath of it's fragrance
And all my arrogance flees
I cling to Your feet
As the sting of this world
Hurls strings at me
Tying me up while singing
A tune sounding so close to the truth
Yet here on the ground...
I know it's only You

My heart is burning
From a life full of hurting
Wrong discernings and flirting with sin
Surging from a yearning within
From a pit much deeper than skin
Wanting it all to end
Wondering when You'll break in
So the fear will subside
And my eyes will dry
Break me in pieces I don't mind
Cause' my only piece is when I stop trying
To bind my own wounds
It's You
I choose to let Your touch heal my bruises
A sweetly broken surrender
Where I render all and keep none
Done with the games and names I put on sin
You win...

My heart is burning
Flames churning high
From the fire You're stirring
You're curing my pain

Snow Globe

I'm trying to take this one step at a time
Cause' each step feels like five behind
I don't know why
But should I even try?
Your ways are so much higher than mine
I trust You with my life
Yet it's not a surprise that I still have questions
I'm just a child
Trying to do my best in my temporary world
Jogging steadily on this course
On this race you've set of before me
Customized to fit me perfectly
Though that's not always how it seems
When ahead I see turns and curves and uncertainty
When the going gets tough
And the road becomes rough
Covered with pot holes and bumps
Sometimes I've just had enough
And I need Your grace to pick me up
I feel like You've shaken me in every which way
My world like a snow globe in Your hands that You've made
The climate of my race feels a lot like today
I look up and all I see is haze
As I sit in my snow globe world and wait
For the pieces to descend and fade
Falling exactly where You say
I look around at the leaves in the middle of change
As You rearrange for a new season
You do everything with purpose and reason
You never leave the scraps of what's happened to me on the floor
But You perform a miracle
And the scraps become a tapestry
An empty canvas for You to freehand Your plan
You use the shades and the haze
The times where I don't understand
And against the colors the shades make sense

So I will wait...

This is Beauty

Girls, this one is for you! This one may be hard to read. It's pretty raw and deep! But don't act like you don't go through it too...we're all the same! Read it and remember, you are beautiful!


This is "beauty"
Hanging in the racks of our stores
Screaming that you need more and more
To be the girl this world excepts
Though next week it will change
It's all the same
"You'll never be good enough" they say
This is fame
So you'd better play the game

This is "beauty"
See the mass of girls we've fascinated with our ways
Don't they look great?
With hazed faces they all parade
To a fake place of acceptance and praise
How quickly is fades
Attentive to the swaying opinions and needs
A poisoned mentality that constantly repeats
"What can I do for everyone else around me?"
As dignity breathes no more
Beauty has become nothing more than a chore
How could we say that this is what God created us for?
Have we allowed the enemy to distort it's true meaning?
I have the feeling we have got it all wrong...
Because you see
Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting
And it seems we've been beating ourselves up for both
When a King longs to clothe us with true beauty
Pleading with us to stop feeding of the lies
To take of the disguise and look into the eyes of Him
Who loves us with passion

This is beauty...
To be in the arms of a Savior
Who favors us
Whose love does not waver or rust
It is enough
He gives to us what we didn't know we needed
And he heeded every cry in the night
When we tried to be what we couldn't
When we became what we said we wouldn't
When the fight sucked the life out of us
He says that's enough
He melts the tough hearts and every part that's cold
He molds and holds
Restores and brings forth
Frees and believes in us
To be the masterpieces He created us to be
We are daughters of the King
Clothed in royalty and free
I hope you can see...

For, THIS is beauty.

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

The Battle

The battle line is drawn
It's all in black and white
We've been asleep too long
It's time to fight

We wake up to a war deep in our souls
Sometimes it feels hopeless but we know
This battle we're in is because of sin
This battle isn't a fight against skin
Ephesians states in clearly
Read it and hold dearly to it's words
May God stir our spirits again
So when the devil's schemes rise and sting
God says through my power victory will sing
When you think you can stand anymore
Stand your ground again because I say you can
Don't quit cause' the armor may not fit
But I've given it to you and I will equip you
The belt the breastplate and the shoes
With these you will not lose
The shield the helmet and the sword
I am Your Lord
Go in my name
The name above all names
And no weapon that comes against you will remain
No fight that you fight will be in vain
Without me defeat is all you will see
Your enemy is crafty but he's just a show
He has no authority over you
You must pray every day for the saints
May tension fade and unity remain
Your faith linked together is better
Don't sever the army I've made
You must daily pick up the armor
It's heavy but each day you'll get stronger
The arrows of the enemy will not stop being shot at you
So you've got to trust me and do what I've taught you
Give the glory to Me
Because I won this victory
That all may see and put their trust in Me

The battle line is drawn
It's all in black and white
We've been asleep too long
It's time to fight

Marionettes

Sin has crept it's way into the church with a new name and a different face. Sin is welcome and accepted, yet ignored and rejected. Not acknowledged as sin, it's disguised with a grin and planted deep into the hearts of this generation. Causing them to sit in church with dark eyes and little light in their minds. Their Conscience screams but is only faintly heard as the fiend directs a scene known as "The Generation on Strings".
They are becoming marionettes, one by one. Playing the game of sin and boy, it is fun...

Light & Life

Lord, how deep does Your love reach?
You've given it for me to keep
My mind cannot comprehend
How Your love has mended my broken heart
My start and my end
You've penned in Your book
You remember how You created me
With delicate hands so intricately
You knew every step I would take
When I sleep and when I wake
The days I would fall into Your arms
Calling You by name
You are eager to remove all my stains
So that I may be blameless before You
How true Your love is to me
Your sweet grace and rich mercy
All placed in my heart and overflowing
Pouring our and showing Your glory
Through all my cracks You've written a story
Once a mess and now I'm soaring
No more mourning but dancing
No more flirting but romancing
With my True Love
You are more than enough
I know it will be tough
But You are worth the fight
I love You...my Light and Life

Shades

[P s a l m 1 3 9]

My mind never slows down...
I find myself on the ground
Asking desperately for peace
To sustain me
To keep me on this journey
My mind seems to weigh me down at times
Thoughts are heavy
What would I do without You?
I don't always have words that rhyme
But when I look at my life
I see that You were always right behind me
In front of me and around me
Sometimes You held me
When I couldn't stand on my own
As I read in Your word
And realize how detailed of a God You truly are
My mind can only handle so much
My spirit believes somehow
That You know every fiber of who I am
To be known is a beautiful thing
Yet to also be loved
Through all my faults
Through all my mess
All my imperfections
You are still the Refuge I find at the end of the day
Where I know I can stay
Where You say that I am Your daughter
I love the different shades of You
How You reveal each one at it's perfect time
Sometimes Your glory is shown with a smiley bright light
So we see and we rejoice
Sometimes You're loud and fearful like thunder
With Your authority ringing out
So we fall to our knees and reverence You
Sometimes warm and sweet like a mother's hospitality
So we rest and we thank You
You have allowed me to gaze upon a new shade of who You are
I am so humbled
Because You go so far beyond all of the earth
All the wonder and glory
That I behold in Your presence
Leaves my body absent
And my spirit soaring beyond this world...

Thank You...thank You...thank you.

Come...

Come...

A word that gives me wings
To know that I am wanted
That I am treasured by the King
In His Majesty and Grace
His face shines like the breaking of a new day
His words rush life through my veins
The waters of joy flood my soul
Because I am known by You
Who is Perfection
Yet has affection for me
So feeble and weak
Your strength is enough for me
And the whole world to stand strong upon
So we can believe and be free
You've made this our reality
The power of Your blood is unfading
Unfailing and unchanging
Sometimes we stand in our own way
Of receiving what You've paid
The stripes You wore
Your compassion that poured
Adorned with Glory
In the form of a man on a cross
The story will never fade
The power it held on that day
Is available just the same
When the music grows faint
And the day is done
I still hear You
You're calling out

Come...

Silent Scene

Well it's been a while since I've written anything. This summer has been crazy! God has brought me into a tough season. It's been hard to write because my mind has been on overload. And I really do mean overload; watch out, this one is long!

I can't find a melody line to describe

What I'm feeling inside tonight
The silence seems to be the best fit
For the scene I'm seeing myself live
It's been a long time since I've feared
Be near Abba Father and hear my words
My heart is first to do Your will
Please fill the crying doubts with shouts of faith
Make Your grace shine on my eyes
I desire to fulfill Your will but still
I can barely see over this hill in front of me
Lord bring a gleam of light
Make things right again
But maybe my right isn't the same as Your right
Maybe this fight in my faith
Is the face of something new
You already knew this would come
It's no surprise to You...is it?

Sometimes I want to run
Because I've begun to see You stretch me
When I am willing
And it isn't exactly appealing
To be shaken and have no feeling
To wonder why and where and how
I never want to doubt You
But somehow doubt has become my friend
It's hard not to be deceived by trend
It's easy for them to pretend their lives are free
Free from the application and condemnation
Of sin's backstabbing termination
I have followed You and ignored the world
I took up the sword and put to death my flesh
You began to revamp the mess I was in
Lord when I look back I see you never once failed me...

But I got real comfortable in your grace
The faces of your people each day
The praises with your people I sang
I asked you to take me to greater things
To stretch me and to have your way
Little did I know...
You would move me to grow
In a way much different than I have known
To show me that You never do what I expect from you
I must think less of me because you are King
Which means You reign above this finite brain
And all the names I try to put on Your ways
I feel like I've been launched into something huge
Something so unfamiliar and new
Lord I am learning to trust your plan
When I don't understand
You are gracious and patient with me
You would never turn Your back on me
Surely You won't forsake me
For I seek Your face daily
You know my heart
You see my start and my end
You hemmed me together
You know me better than I know myself
You've always been my help
My Shelter from the storm
My Daddy and my Lord
You are for me...

Therefore I will stand and open my hands
To the One who came humbly as a man
Like you I receive the plan laid out for me
Though it won't be easy you are with me
And I can keep on this journey
As faith keeps churning
And my heart is yearning for You
It's true that You are all I have
I'm sure You laugh...
Because I think you like it that way
So all I have left to say; is Abba Father, have your way...


"Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. For your name's sake, O Lord, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant."
Psalm 143:7-12

Treasures in the heart

I couldn't sleep last night...
Cause' I had you on my mind
Meditating on your might
Amazed by Your mercy
Your grace so sweet
After it all...how is it for me?
You are so holy
But I am just me
Apart from you I lack all good things
You say Your grace is sufficient for me
I believe it more each day
I always need Your grace in a new way
God who am I to say
"It's my way"
When the next breath I breathe
Is a gift from thee?
Pour out my pride till' I'm empty
Till' every song I sing
Every word I speak
Is Your words through me
I'm just a clay jar
With treasures in the heart
Somehow I can be...

Righteous


But apart from You I'm just clay with no potter
You mold me
Shape me
Cleanse me
With Your living water
Bring me through the fire even if it burns
You know better than I so I try to learn
To trust you through it all
And you know what I saw?
You never left me alone
Your sweet mercy is shown
In my life O Lord
You use the small
The ones who fall
And get back up cause' it's you they call
They know you're all they have
When all falls You stand
So fan the flame
You've sparked in my heart
May the flames run wild and free
Until it's you they see...not me
To God be the glory!
May this be my testimony...


"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
...All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God."
2 Corinthians 4:7-9 & 15

When the music's gone

What happens...
When the music's gone?
No more words to follow
No more song
No more composing or routine
To usher you into my presence
Just you and me
Is your worship wrapped into something so small?
Or will you worship even when you call
And you feel as though your voice bounces off a wall?
If you understood how my loves carries you
You would
If you heard me instead of the noise
You wouldn't pursue music
Just my voice
My desire is for you to hear ME
To feel me
To know who I am
I am the I am
The only one who can
If you understood what takes place
When you open your mouth and taste
O taste and see me
Learn how heavenly
Your worship is to me
How I treasure you
I'm waiting to wash you
To take you and to mold you
I already bought you
I carried your pain
It will all be okay
I see no stain on you!
So why are you carrying the burden you do?
I'm eager to free you

stop

be still

and know who I am

I'm deeper than a feeling
More faithful than the sun
More vibrant than a rainbow
Sweeter than words could express
Nothing can defeat
Nor compete
Nor compare to "him"
I am more than just "him"
I am more than that "big man upstairs"
I'm that still small voice in the air
The one that warns and cares
The one that stills the seas
And orchestrates and leads
I am in all and through all and for all

be still
know me
taste me
stop and see

How in heaven I intercede
I've opened the door
Defeated death
It is no more!

Be
free

Lift up your heart and worship me...

Know in your heart these things
So you may know why you sing
The music itself has no meaning
I won't tolerate empty songs
So you must learn what to do
When the music's gone...

Deep calls to deep...

We sang the song "All Who Are Thirsty" last night in service. Tuesday night after we had practiced our set list I began to think and pray about the service, coming to the convicting realization that I really don't even know what the phrase "as deep cries out to deep" means. It's an old familiar song and until that moment I had not thought about what it meant. Do you know what it means? How can I believe that my worship is from my heart when I don't even know the meaning of the words that I'm singing to God. We're all guilty of this. So I began to ask God to reveal it to me. The phrase comes from Psalm 42 where (the author is not known...so fill in the blank) is crying out to God in a place of spiritual thirst and great suffering. I began to study verse 7, "As deep calls to deep". I came to this realization: God is a God of depth. Paul talks in Romans about suffering, how it is actually a good thing and that it is absolutely necessary for Christians to suffer. But why? Paul explains that it produces perseverance, character and hope. Have you ever met a shallow person? In times of heartache that we go through in this life, when we are cut deep from the pain in this world, is it a shallow person you want to comfort you? They may put their arm around you and say "I know what you're going through", but their words are just words.
Now, have you ever met a deep person? Someone who has literally been bruised and beaten by the circumstances that they have been through in their life. When you go through storms, these people are the ones who connect and comfort you better than anyone else. This is why God needs us to go through trials. God is a God of depth. Everything He is and everything He did had depth in it. His love, His suffering, His mercy. It's all so rich and deep and wonderful. You see sometimes God puts us in a place where we are cut deep, where our deep can cry out to His deep. He does this because He wants us to know Him on a deeper level. He wants to reveal to us the depth in Him. That is why Paul teaches us to rejoice in our sufferings. So as I began to understand this more I was so stirred by the thought. Here's something God spoke to me, I hope it reveals to you on a deeper level what this actually means...

Since the fall we've been in repair
All we knew was joy and now it's despair
Fellowship with God was destroyed
Now we must seek for Your presence to enjoy
Only because of the plan He made
His son willingly came and obeyed
So separation from God would fade...

He left us with a simple choice
Now we can hear His voice
But it's not the end yet
We still deal with sin and fret
Our thirsty souls often become dry
We look up to the sky and ask why
Why must we go through storms
When it was You we loved and adored
But God says "come"
All the bad happening to me
And the good happening to the thief
It makes no sense you see
But God says "come"
I sit on my high horse
And stop running the course
But God says "come"
Tears have been my food
And every battle I lose
But God says "come"
I close my eyes and remember His name
He suffered the worst torment and pain
He came and gave with nothing to gain
The people He came to save punched holes in His soul
Because we were powerless He paid the toll
Just so we may know the depth of His love
And that it alone is enough
I open my eyes and now I know
As deep cries to deep
My deep cries to His deep
His love showers me and I weep
How could He be so good to me?
He says to me...
"Come and learn the deep that's in me
Reach to me
Look to me
Find life in me
The holes of your soul can hold more of me
So let your deep call to My deep
So you may know Me
Your soul will no longer be thirsty
I see trials and I smile
Because you just don't understand my child
That this is all part of the plan
So lift up your eyes and stand
Call to me
Say to me come
I await your praises so fill your lungs
And I will come..."



"Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the Lord directs His love, at night his song is with me-a prayer to the God of my life. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 42:7-11

Silence and Rhythm

"The Lord is good to all; He has compassion on all He has made." Psalm 145:9

...They say actions speak louder than words
You say so much and say nothing at all
In stillness you teach me to know that you are God
Sometimes I learn the most when no words are spoken
In silence you speak beautiful words of truth
Your leaves applaud you and fall to the ground in surrender to your wind
Creation sways to the rhythm your Spirit leads
The waters shift and grass trembles at the rush of your breath
Birds glide on the path your wind creates
Flowers dance for you
They proclaim Your Name
They're crying out to you
They declare their Makers rule over the Earth

Teach my spirit to sway, stay, still and move to Your rhythm.